I have heat today
I feel so lucky
I have food in the frig
I have a bedroom
I can walk to the stores
I have friends
I even have a lover who is so sweet to me. I have some new friends and some old friends.
Ive been disconnceted with my brothers for over 40 years and one I have reconnected with and its marvelous.
I have two cats male and female brother and sister and they come and go as they please. They are about 3 years young.
In my other “home” I have kittens also both brother and sister and they are the same color as the older ones, black with a white tuxedo and a gray. But their sexes are switched
I have a bike to give me exercise, to ride around a 20 minute loop with traffic and a creek. I work and earn barely enough for everything. Some days I feel wealthy and often I feel underprivileged even when I look at horrors of war and the refugees and the homeless and the people who get trampled by shoppers. I move along this journey of life trying to figure out as much as Im capable.. getting up shaking the blues away, coming back down to the skies and feel alive and generous and thankful. Theres this thing that I and others have where we feel separate, alone, uncared for… being ok with complaining even when things are ok. I want to hide like the next person. Sometimes I put on a fake smile. Other times I allow people to see me cry for all the confusion that is going on in my head.. reconcile, what is reconciliation? what is this business of Oneness? What about people who have had an accident and they wake up alive and integrated and whole and they taste the beauty of being alive versus a person waking up from dark silence to a waking horror of confusion and maladies that appear and feel everlasting.
I have internet to connect with others who I dont know and some I do know. They tell me I get a bit of dopamine each time I get a “like” or someone comments. Is that why I go there way too often? Am I simply a whore for an energetic high? Sigh. I like people, I like to watch comedians and sci fi actors and movies. I often like to simply distract myself from my suffering. I do what I do. I write to make myself feel smart. I cry in desolation and isolation wanting to be free, I tap at times so I feel a respite to the pain of being alive. Im ashamed that I complain so much when there is so much out there. Is it because Im trapped into a psyche that really hasnt experienced a death? Why are the Near Death experiencers no longer afraid of death? Wow can you imagine not being afraid of death so that life is this wondrous ongoing exploration with wide and wild eyes of aliveness?
I love the sunshine against my face and the soft taste of hot sweetened coffee against my lips. I love seeing people engaged in conversation with curiosity and abandonment. I love looking into the eyes of my lover with such depth and certitude and sweetness and love.
He can be reached at [email protected] • 805 762 4848