About a decade ago I wrote a short essay called “Truth-telling as an Aphrodisiac.”[http://hopedance.org/home/other-news/851] I wrote it primarily to shake up the lies, white or otherwise, that couples often do with each other which chips away at the necessary intimacy that makes for juicy sexual playing.
My peculiar attitude is that the deeper one can be with truth-telling (of oneself and the other) one then can enter into deeper avenues of the heart and the art of sex play so love can emerge more deeply and more profound.
However, that article pertained to truth-telling, revealing some obvious obstructions or veils between two people. This short essay explores the appreciations or the gratitudes that one shares with the other. Often when both share in this specific exercise, it uncovers some absolutely wonderful characteristics to the other that may often never be spoken. This is your opportunity. A lover friend of mine shared her appreciations to me one afternoon and allowed me to share mine with her. It was such a turn on that I immediately thought of my earlier article and knew instinctively that indeed sharing appreciations allowed the “relationship” to go to another level making sexual playing a totally different and open and vulnerable and more profound experience.
Before we get into the specifics of the exercise, let's briefly talk about appreciations. Appreciations include a wide umbrella from what you might enjoy about the other's body (or body parts) or their hair color or skin texture… to their clothes and how they cook or how they use their mind or how they perceive various situations. Remember, these are appreciations, not to be confused with criticisms. Appreciations can include a wide gamut of topics including the others' smells, their motivations, their language, their treatment of others, how they move in the world, how they speak so lovingly to Aunt Hilda or how they parked the car or how they vacuum the living room – from simple obvious things to ones that can take both of you deeper. One lover once told me how she appreciated that often I pause during a conversation and she saw that my pauses informed her that I was allowing particular points to settle in, to see where and how it went into my body and that my eventual verbal response contained elements of that inner short journey. Wow, I thought to myself. I don't think anyone has ever noticed that. I've not even noticed it but when she shared it I felt so “validated,” so charmed by her really “seeing” me. I mention this only so readers will hopefully use this exercise as an opportunity of going deeper and what better way than to simply share some appreciations.
So, I recommend that you lie in bed naked with lights on, or better still to be in bed during the day allowing yourselves some time, like perhaps 2 to 3 hours. You then choose which person goes first. If you're new to this, simply start off with obvious or general appreciations, like “Im glad you are in my life.” But watch your mind as you proceed. Feel relaxed, not hurried. Watch if you are pretending. The whole intention is to sink into the experience. Many of us rarely give anyone appreciations or outward expressions of gratitude (even to our loved one) so be compassionate with yourselves when it's time for you to share. And please let it grow organically. If it becomes problematic simply use this first experience as an experiment with no judging. You may consider getting a notebook to jot down gratitudes and appreciations daily or weekly to get accustomed to what they're all about and feeling the texture of what appreciations are. And perhaps read from your notebook to your mate during a shared appreciation time. When I first started writing in a gratitude notebook I felt shy and it felt very new. It made me be aware that my overwhelming MO was one of criticism and complaining. I even faked some appreciations at first which allowed for some real ones to bubble up shortly thereafter.
The whole point in this “exercise” is to simply share what you are discovering about the other person when you pay attention. If its awkward at first, fine. There are no good or bad appreciations, just simple appreciations that you wish to share with your partner. It could be dangerous though if you shared appreciations that were not true just to guarantee some sexual “favors.” That just won't work in my humble opinion since it's going to eventually show up in the bedroom. That's why sex is so sacred because it can be the space where we can really show up from our depths, not to act a certain predictable way or shower your partner with untrue gratitudes but a space where truth, vulnerability, appreciations, insights, can all be fantastic ways toward a more juicy connection.
And one last thing. During your sex playfulness you can always share appreciations that you may have either forgotten or overlooked. Sex playfulness with the lights on, rather than “making love” (how does one “make” love anyway? its either there or it isn’t) in the dark, along with appreciations create such a powerful aroma of love that the mystery of spirits tangoing and looping together as if the ongoing duality of giving and receiving dissolves into one energy becomes a blessed and sacred and very juicy time. So, what are you waiting for?
(insert box)
SOME APPRECIATIONS:
1. I am very grateful that you have worked on yourself since I see and taste the fruits of our evolving partnership.
2. I love and appreciate how you listen to me. I can really feel you taking my feelings seriously.
3. I appreciate how responsive your body is to my touch. The way you melt, I melt.
4. I appreciate that you are asking me questions about how I'm doing and being.
5. I appreciate that you work out physically. Your legs are truly outstanding. I love feeling your calves.
6. I love how deeply you care to be in a space of lovingness before we get together.
7. I so appreciate that you don't immediately writhe and come so quickly. I love that you spend time looking at me and connecting and that you don't go away as soon as you get turned on.
8. I appreciate that you love sex.
9. I appreciate how you track my talking and usually have something profound to say after you truly listen to me.
10. I appreciate that you create a significant container of quiet, relaxed mode before we spend time together.
11. I really appreciate how kind you are when you share what you need from me.
Bob Banner is a writer, author, publisher and editor, as well as a ping pong player and Laughter Yoga Teacher. He can be reached at bob.banner@gmail.com or 1.805.762.4848. His major website is: http://hopedance.org/.
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